Mr Hansard's El Bloggo

Matt Starr, Law Doctor Part ¿Porque No Los Dos?

The Supreme Court of the Universe: Matt Starr, Law Doctor v Kate Jones

In the dark city of Gotham where crime runs rampant through the streets, corrupting the innocent and sucking the once vibrant soul out of the city and stopping the heart that used to beat as one with all it’s citizens. No longer is it a community where everyone knows your name but rather a festering breeding ground for the faceless and selfish individuals who know nothing of the ideals of teamwork, compassion or cooperation. To some the city of Gotham is a place of business where the disenchanted businessman carries out his days from nine til five in an office working away at something ultimately pointless. This is just the tip of the iceberg. If one were to lift the rock that is Gotham city they’d see the side where the sun doesn’t shine and dirt, erosion and insects rule. These insects and the dirt represent the immorality that lies within 99% of the citizens of Gotham, drug dealing, murder, arson, rape and prostitiution. The other 1% are merely those who are yet to be corrupted, soiled by the dirt and shat upon by the insects. They stand patiently on an escalator that leads to nowhere, no promising prospects await them in their futures.

One such case in the seedy underbelly of Gotham is the case of Kate Jones, a responsible twelve year old baby sitter who, much like Sasha Felmtin, has not been paying income tax, something very close to Matt Starr, Law Doctor’s heart. Matt Starr, Law Doctor is representing himself against Kate Jones in the hopes of bringing down what he believes to be the one responsible for one of Gothams largest and most intricate criminal activities he’s ever seen.

The case started three hours ago and Matt Starr, Law Doctor remains to be seen in the court room. For the first time in a long time there was a glimmer of light for a citizen of the city as it looked like Kate was going to go free seeing as her opponent didn’t show up and her lawyer proved that she was well under the tax bracket. The judge, knowing that Matt Starr, Law Doctor would only show up as he was going to slam down his hammer of law, readied his hammer into his preferred slamming position. He dummies it, stopping it just before it hit the jolly roger carved out of wood that he slammed his hammer on. To his surprise Matt Starr, Law Doctor didn’t show up. Thinking that this meant the case was certainly over he went to actually slam the hammer of law. As it was about to hit the jolly roger, the skull of the jolly roger turned into Matt Starr, Law Doctor’s head and he stopped the hammer by biting it. He then crawled out of the desk and walked over to his seat. The judge was stunned.

Matt Starr, Law Doctor opened his briefcase and inside was a Playboy magazine with himself on the cover in the nude and an official seamonkeys tank with many seamonkeys inside. He quickly fed them before going to where he stands to speak.

“Your honour! If it pleases id like to call Kate Jones to the stand,” Matt Starr, Law Doctor said.

“There’s no point Matt Starr, Law Doctor. My decision has been made,” the judge replied.

“You say that every time your honour and to be frank, you’re always wrong,”

“That’s true, but I really have a good feeling about this,”

“Oh yeah? Well if I don’t prove my case I will officially resign as both a lawyer and a doctor,”

The audience gasped and murmured at the possibility of their favourite Law Doctor no longer lawyering or doctoring.

“Are you even a licensed doctor?”

“Even if I wasn’t who’s going to prove in court that I’m not?”

“Fair point, fair point. I accept your offer, Matt Starr, Law Doctor,”

“Good. Now Kate Jones, get to the stand right nya,”

Kate Jones walked over to the stand and sat in the seat.

“Now, Kate Jones. How old are you?”

“I’ll be thirteen in a month,”

“I didn’t ask how old you’ll be in a month, Kate. If we all decided to pretend it was a month from now I’d be naked and having passionate whoopee with your mother and you’d be quivering in fear because you’ve just dropped the soap in jail. Now please, can we get back on track? How old are you, Kate?”

“Twelve?”

“Interesting. Very interesting. Do you know why you’re here today?”

“I didn’t give the government money for babysitting the twins from next door,”

“Kate, I didn’t ask you to lie I asked you to tell me if you know why you’re here,”

“I didn’t lie,”

“Ha! Good one, now can we move on?”

“I didn’t tell a lie! I swear!” Kate cried. The judge butted in.

“Matt Starr, Law Doctor, she says she isn’t lying! Why do you think she is?”

“What? The whole courtroom doesn’t actually know the truth about Kate’s business and didn’t see the blatant and thinly veiled excuse she just gave?”

“Clearly not,”

“You mean to say you didn’t all know that the twins from next door are prostitutes who work at Kate Jones’ Underage Brothel?”

“What!?” Kate yelled as the audience gasped.

“Oh, well I guess you do now. Kate has always been into the sex trade ever since grade one. I have her school report here. I’ll read an excerpt now, I’ve cut bits out to save time. ‘Kate is a… p… I’m…p.’ that’s right, Kate’s been a pimp for half of her life and she’s only twelve. I don’t know how that sits in our tax fraud case but if pimps are frowned upon then she should be worried,” Matt Starr, Law Doctor shot a piercing glance at Kate, “very worried,”

Kate started to cry because she claimed she wasn’t a pimp and didn’t even know what prostitution was.

“Stop crying Kate, it’s not like you can give all those tears back to the kids you forced into sex slavery who cry every night at the unspeakable things you make them do. How much money do the kids make from your little business anyway?”

“I don’t pay them, their parents pay me,”

“What!? The underage prostitutes earn nothing and their parents actually give you money!? Those don’t seem like fair working conditions. And one last question before my final monologue, Kate. Why’d you do what you did?”

“I don’t know what you think I did, I just took care of them I swear!”

“I don’t even know where to start with that one. You don’t know what you’ve done, suggesting memory loss due to the use of heroin and/or methamphetamines but that isn’t my primary concern. You say you’ve taken care of the kids? Everyone knows that’s mafioso slang for murdering someone. Is it so the kids couldn’t be witnesses? You’re not only interfering with the court case in your favour, but you’re not paying your workers, your workers are underage, you’re promoting pedophilia, you’re not paying taxes, you’re committing murder, you’re committing perjury and you’re running an illegal brothel. I’ve singe handedly proved all of this and I believe it is enough to be found guilty. If there is a world where a truly demonic soul such as the twelve year old Kate Jones’ can exist and get away unscathed by such criminal injustices then I don’t think I want to live in that world let alone be a law doctor in it. Anyone who calls themselves a citizen of earth should hang their head in shame for continuing to live in a world such as this if Kate Jones is found innocent. That’s all I’ll leave you with my dear audience. Your honour, take it from here,”

The judge sat and thought about what had been said.

“What a compelling case that was. It was so compelling that I’ve come up with a sentence straight away. Not only is Kate Jones one of the guiltiest people to ever pass through this courtroom but she is also sentenced to death by boiling in a vat of reindeer blood. Wow Matt Starr, Law Doctor, you’ve done it again,”

“Don’t be impressed by my amazing talent your honour, be impressed by the freedom and liberty that our judicial system allows to flow through the air and soil that keeps our nation rich and wholesome for all it’s God loving citizens,” Matt Starr, Law Doctor said as he shut his briefcase.

Matt Starr, Law Doctor then put on some roller skates and did a funky fresh skate out of the court room. A crowd of Victoria’s Secret models who happened to be there ran out after him in the hopes of being pleasured as soon as possible. Let’s just say they didn’t go home disappointed the next morning.

Until next time hombres.

Matt Starr, Law Doctor Part ?

Supreme Court of the Universe: Old Joe v Sasha Felmtin

In a world full of fraudulent activities leaving the honest citizens poor and those who cheat the system richer than ever, one pub has decided to take action against the corporate machine who participate in what is arguably the most evil action of all, tax evasion. When there’s no one paying taxes what will fund the government? I’ll tell you what, nothing. Anarchy takes over the street like vines over an old Italian vineyard and they rape the economy and the great nation of America like tentacles. In this case, which in its essence represents the struggle between good and evil, an honest and fair pub owner who follows the rules tackles Sasha Felmtin, a six year old girl running a lemonade stand from her house down the road and doesn’t pay a single penny to the government.

Representing the vicious beast that is Sasha Felmtin is her lawyer, arguably one of Harvard’s finest graduates. Representing Old Joe, the pub owner is Matt Starr, Law Doctor the actual greatest lawyer of all time who has never lost a case except for that one time when his ex wife was the judge. What a bitch.

Late as usual, Matt Starr, Law Doctor has missed much of the trial. It has just about been concluded that Sasha Felmtin is not in the wrong and that it is a harmless lemonade stand that only makes an average of $0.75 a week and if anyone believes Old Joe is losing customers to her they’re an idiot. Just as the judge was about to slam his hammer of law down the hammer burst open from the inside, revealing Matt Starr, Law Doctor who had contorted to fit inside. The judge flinched and jumped backwards. Matt Starr, Law Doctor merely continued walking to his seat with his briefcase. He laid it down on the table next to Old Joe and opened it up. Inside was a box set of The Teletubbies of VHS and what appeared to be an opened but unsucked sour warhead.

“Your honour, I wish to call *pause* Sasha Felmtin to the stand,” Matt Starr, Law Doctor said.

“I don’t think there’s any use, Matt Starr, Law Doctor. I’m afraid that I’ve already been convinced that she’s innocent,”

“But your honour, would not Satan put on the facade of a six year old girl if he wanted innocence?”

“Surely you’re not suggesting Sasha Felmtin is actually Satan himself?”

“Well your honour, I’m not trying to start something here but I’ve noticed that Sasha Felmtin is indeed an anagram of Satan Himself so that could certainly mean something,” Matt Starr, Law Doctor said while giving the judge a suggestive look. The judge got out a pen and paper and worked it out. By Jove he was right.

“By Jove you’re right!” the judge exclaimed.

“That shouldn’t be a surprise that I, Matt Starr, Law Doctor am right,”

“True that,”

“Anyway, could Satan uhh, I mean Sasha please go to the stand?”

Sasha entered the seat and took an oath.

“So, Sasha. I just noticed you took an oath. Not that it matters to you considering you are indeed the earthly personification of the devil, isn’t that right?”

“No, I’m not the devil,” Sasha answered.

“I’d call you out for perjury but you know, that would make this all too easy. Anyway, Sasha, if that is your real name, how much money do you earn per week?”

“I think I make seventy five-“

“Seventy five thousand dollars a week? That’s well above the tax bracket your honour. But let me keep questioning,”

“I was going to say cents,”

“And why would you do that? That doesn’t make any sense for you to simply respond with the single word ‘cents’. Perhaps you’re a little drunk off the lemonade you sell? Please Sasha, show us all your RSA that you’ve undoubtedly gotten?”

“An RS what?”

“Deary me. Judge, if this little girl who purports to be an innocent six year old girl isn’t actually the drunken and fraudulent personification of Satan like I’ve proved it is then I don’t think I can be a lawyer anymore,”

“I see what you mean but I think I just need a little more proof,” the judge said.

“Easy. Sasha, now that we know you’re illegally serving alcohol to minors, tainting their souls and essentially giving them one way tickets to eternal hellfire for five cents a pop, I need you to answer one more question for me. What do you think of the current government?”

“My mummy and daddy don’t like them,”

“I didn’t ask about your mummy and daddy, Sasha. I asked for your opinion,”

“I think they’re stupid,”

“YOUR HONOUR! I think what we’ve seen today is someone who hates the government. She hates the government so much that she refuses to comply with federal law, not contributing any of her hundreds of thousands of dollars she makes annually to taxes therefore not helping anyone. She is the sole reason there aren’t enough beds in hospitals, the sole reason that indigenous students aren’t staying in school, the sole reason that nurses aren’t paid enough and she’s the sole reason for all evil in this great nation. If she isn’t the antithesis of everything the constitution stands for and the venom that poisons the blood of every man, woman and child then my name isn’t Matt Starr, Law Doctor. To grant this girl freedom is to stab Jesus and Abraham Lincoln in the dicks at the same time. I rest my case,” Matt Starr, Law Doctor said.

The audience clapped, knowing that the speech they’d just heard would go down in history with the likes of I Had a Dream and the Gettysburg Address. The judge thought for a second before delivering his final verdict and sentencing.

“I find the defendant guilty as charged. She will be publically hanged off the statue of liberty and have her body made into apple pie that will then be eaten by bald eagles on the fourth of July. God bless America!”

Matt Starr, Law Doctor had struck another punch in the fight against evil by allowing a big bowl of boiled justice to be served. He shut his suitcase, mounted his jet black stallion and rode off through the court room. On his way out he injected an old woman with a syringe that made her young and beautiful and made her fall in love with him with nothing more than a cheeky and suggestive smirk. He then pulled her up on the horse and they stayed awake long into the night.

Until next time, amigos.

Battle Royale II - Chapter Eight - Ass Jiggling Fanny Cake

Lucca’s Pokemon wouldn’t go back into the pokeball. A minor problem for most, it usually wouldn’t be too bad. For Lucca this could very well mean death. You see, Lucca’s Pokemon is a Wailord.

“Wailord, fucking move,” Lucca said, kicking its blubber as it laid on the road outside some abandoned houses. Lucca had been trying to move it for hours. It was already dark. He’d already given up on yelling at it, he was exhausted. Lucca picked up a brick from an unfinished house nearby and and threw it at Wailord.

“Wailord, you’re an ass jiggling fanny cake and I hate you,” Lucca said, giving up for the night.

Lucca walked into one of the finished houses and up the stairs into a bedroom. Much to his surprise it wasn’t at all dusty. It had to be at least 8:30 PM and Lucca didn’t want to sleep in the next morning. Determined to rest and get up early, Lucca fell asleep.

…

Lickitung! Whip it with your tongue!

WHIP!

Lucca slowly opened his eyes, woken up by the loud whipping sound outside. He checked the clock next to the bed. It was two in the morning. Who the hell would be wandering about outside with a whip at 2 AM? Lucca got out of bed and looked out the window. The street lights had come on and Lucca could see an older guy with a Lickitung that was whipping his useless Wailord out in the street.

“Good riddance,” Lucca said to himself, returning to the bed and going back to sleep.

…

Lucca opened his eyes and looked out the window. It was nearly 9 AM, he’d slept in. Panicked, he sat up and out on his glasses. He saw something that wasn’t there before. It was an office swivel chair. It slowly turned around, it was the guy with the Lickitung from the night before.

“I’ve been expecting you,” Julian said, stroking a cat that wasn’t there.

“Expecting me? You must have found me sleeping here,” Lucca said, confused a little bit by what Julian had said.

“Let’s just say that your Wailord out there is a bit of a squealer?”

“What!?” Lucca said, shocked at what he’d just heard.

“No! Not a squealer like that you boob! I mean like he tells secrets. I’m implying he told us you were here,”

“You’re just confusing me,”

“Okay, fine. To be honest I’m kind of confusing myself as well,”

“So what do you want with me?”

“I don’t know. I’d feel a little guilty if I just murdered you now because I’ve found out what a useless fat shit your Pokemon is,”

“Thanks?”

Julian looked up at the corner of the room. Lucca looked up to see what he was looking at, there was nothing there. He looked back to see Julian walking out of the room. Lucca got out of the bed, grabbed his bag and walked out the door. A big tongue wrapped around him. He’d been captured.

“Walked right into my trap!” Julian said gleefully before walked down the stairs. Lickitung lifted Lucca up and walked down the stairs after Julian. Julian walked outside and over to Wailord’s mouth.

“Open up,” Julian said. Wailord gladly opened his mouth.

“Why does he listen to you?” Lucca asked.

“I’d rather not talk about it,” Julian said, shuddering afterwards, “Anyway, Lickitung, put him in,”

Lickitung walked over to Wailord’s mouth and put Lucca in there on Wailord’s tongue. Lucca looked back down into Wailord’s disgusting slimy throat. He couldn’t get out that way so back out the mouth was the only way. Lucca stepped to get out of the mouth. Julian saw this and looked Lucca in the eye and reached into his coat. He pulled out his hand in a gun shape to threaten Lucca.

“Been watching Gran Torino?” Lucca asked.

Julian replied with a smile before pointing his index finger at Lucca and moving it down. This was the signal telling Wailord to close his mouth. Lucca was surrounded by moist darkness, scared about what was going to happen. He suddenly felt Wailord being raised in the eye.

Lickitung had wrapped its tongue around the base of Wailord’s tail and lifted it up in the air. It then started spinning around with Wailord entirely in the air. The speed increased. Lucca lost his footing and was pinned to the side of Wailord’s mouth. Lickitung let go, sending Wailord flying extremely high into the air, moving through the air towards a large wooden tower in the distance.

“You’ve really outdone yourself this time, Lickitung. That thing isn’t coming back down for a few minutes,” Julian said, thoroughly impressed.

Julian raised his hand, requesting a high five. Lickitung slapped his hand with its tongue softly.

“Bros,” Julian said.

Battle Royale II - Chapter Seven - What About Punts?

Elliott was walking along the hiking trail up the side of a mountain ridge that stretched along the western coast of Oak Island. Originally he was trying to take in the view and the beautiful landscape. For all he knew it could be the last time he could ever experience the beauty of nature. Now he was just trying to find a good spot to take a piss. As he trekked he noticed a gap in the shrubbery which opened up onto the very edge of the cliff. Deciding to be a fucking boss, Elliott dropped his trousers and underdaks to his ankles and peed freely off the edge of the cliff for all the world to see. While standing with his hands resting firmly on his hips in all his glory he felt a finger tap him on the shoulder. Elliott, startled, jumped sideways and tripped over due to the clothing around his ankles. He quickly pulled his pants up and noticed there was a boy with a Weedle on his shoulder standing there.

“I could have pushed you, you know,” said Lee.

“Thanks?”

“I figured that it’s nowhere near as theatrical than a one on one duel,”

“You aren’t going to use your Pokemon?” Elliott asked.

“I meant the Pokemon battling one on one,” Lee explained.

“Oh,”

“Where’s yours?” Lee asked.

“Well I don’t know. I think he was going about somewhere behind me. You should have seen him on your way to me if you came from the south,” Elliott said.

“Yeah, I came from the south. There was nothing around but shrubs, dirt, trees and a line of big rocks,”

Elliott grinned. Half because of Lee’s mistake and half because that mistake was approaching behind Lee.

“Fancy that, the line of rocks is here!” Elliott joked. Onix moved slowly behind Lee, who turned around and was shocked by the sight. Elliott kneeled and slid his hand slowly through the thick layer of dirt on the ground and grabbed a handful.

“Oh my god what the hell is this?!” Elliott said in order to get Lee’s attention.

Lee turned around quickly only to receive a face full of dirt from Elliott. Disoriented, Lee quickly tried to wipe the dirt from his face.

“Onix! Headbutt this guy off the cliff!” Elliott ordered.

Onix out it’s head close to the ground and flicked it up, hitting Lee on its way forward. Lee, an ex avid Pokemon player knew there was a large rock horn on Onix’s head. He grabbed it with all his strength in order to not be sent flying down to his death. Meanwhile, Elliott had pounced onto Weedle, grabbing it and holding it in tightly to his torso with both arms.

Onix’s head was now sticking out over the edge of the cliff with its horn facing downwards. If Lee slipped for even an instant he would be dead. Lee watched as Elliott stood up with both his hands around Weedle’s head, gripping it firmly.

“Hey guy, what do you say about an old fashioned game of football?” Elliott asked.

“My name’s Lee,”

“Well then, Lee. Lee-t’s play football! Like my pun?”

“I hate puns,” Lee said, aggravated by the situation he was in.

“You don’t like puns? What about punts?”

“What?”

Elliott proceeded in punting Lee’s Weedle off the cliff. Both Lee and Elliott watched as it flew up through the air only to hurtle down through the canopy. The loud rustling of leaves was nothing compared the half thud and half squish sound of Weedle hitting the forest floor below. A tear rolled down Lee’s face when he heard that sound. Not only because he had lost a friend but because his fate was sealed, he was completely fucked.

Elliott told Onix to let Lee back on to the ground and he did. Lee stood very close to the edge of the cliff.

“Because I feel a little bit bad about what I just did I’m going to give you a chance to get away,” Elliott said.

“Thank you so much,” Lee said as he took a step towards the hiking trail to leave.

“No mate, you don’t get to leave yet. There are some rules,” Elliott said.

Lee was in no position to do something against Elliott’s wishes, he’d surely die. Elliott then told Lee that they were about to play a game.

“The rules are if you are still standing on the edge of this cliff when I say ‘done’ you get to leave,” Elliott explained. Lee was very pleased with his second chance at living. Silence followed and Lee wasn’t sure what was going on. All he could see was the large sinister smirk on Elliott’s face.

“Hey Onix,” Elliott said with a chuckle.

Then he looked Lee dead in the eyes and said one of the last things Lee wanted to hear.

“Use earthquake,”

A look of dread fell upon Lee’s face. It was only momentary though. A few seconds of trying to not fall off a cliff resulted in him falling off a cliff. He couldn’t resist the awesome power of an earthquake. The saddest part of Lee’s death is the last thing he saw: his Weedle’s mutilated remains.

Battle Royale II - Chapter Six - Fly Into Her Uterus!

WARNING: After writing this I’ve realised that is the most fucked thing ever written. Please forgive me and enjoy this installment of Battle Royale II.

Jesse balanced carefully upon his Pidgey as it flew close to the ground at high speed, taking along the dirt covered forest ground. He was surprised that he was able to use fly with Pidgey but you know, whatever. Pokemon doesn’t have to be realistic. Anyway, Jesse was having a good time flying about without a care in the world until Pidgey hit something that was sticking out of the ground.

Jesse came off the front of his Pokemon and went through the air unlike a bowling ball. He skidded face first in the dirt as he landed.

“Oww fuck,” Jesse said, face burning due to the friction between it and the ground. He looked up to see if Pidgey was okay. It was waddling over towards him.

“Pidgey you god damn moron! I could have been seriously hurt! Why the foopin’ doop weren’t you watching where you were going?” Jesse yelled.

Suddenly, something hard hit Jesse in the stomach from under the ground. It sent him about a metre into the air and back down again flat on his face. Jesse scrambled to his feet to avoid whatever it was that hit him from under the ground. He thought he was safe. He was wrong. It hit him again under the leg he was leaning on, causing him to fall backwards onto the ground. It then hit him into the back of the head, sending him flying over onto his face without his feet leaving the ground, looking much like a speedometre in a car. It then hit him in the side of the chest, rolling him over onto his back. Then came the worst of it.

The thing attacking him entered his anus.

Jesse squirmed on the ground not knowing what the hell it was that had shot out of the ground into his bum.

“I see you’ve met my Diglett,” a female voice said from behind a tree.

“What the fuck?! Help me! Who are you? Where are you! There’s a fucking Diglett up my ass!” Jesse yelled out.

Shannaye revealed herself to Jesse.

“Having fun?” she asked sarcastically, enjoying the view of Jesse wriggling about in the dirt like a mad man.

“No! Fucking get it out of me! I’ll leave you alone I swear!”

“I could have you killed right now and you’re offering to let me live? Gee, as good as your offer is I’m afraid I’m going to have to refuse,”

Jesse, worried for his innards but also wanting revenge said something most disturbing after noticing that Shannaye was wearing a skirt.

“Pidgey! Fly into her uterus!” he commanded.

Pidgey darted towards Shannaye and up into her lady orifice and up into her womb. Shannaye started freaking out and shaking.

“What. The. Fuck,” she said.

“Unless you tell that fucking Diglett of yours to get out of my ass I’m telling Pidgey to use peck until he finds his way out,” Jesse said as calmly yet assertively as possible.

“Fine! Diglett! Get out!” Shannaye yelled, keen to get the large bird out of her vagina.

Diglett left Jesse’s anus and Pidgey complied by leaving Shannaye’s vajayjay. Shannaye and Jesse stood awkwardly, avoiding eye contact and ashamed of the incident that had just taken place.

“So…” Jesse said.

“Yeah, uhh, perhaps we should, uhh, battle each other now?”

“Sounds great. Let’s just pretend we met each other some other way. I would like to be able to forget what just transpired,”

“Same,”

Jesse and Shannaye still stood around awkwardly. Jesse made the first move.

“Pidgey use fly!” he yelled.

“Diglett use dig!” Shannaye said almost instantly afterwards.

Pidgey flew sky high, awaiting the signal for it to return. Diglett dug underground and waited for a similar signal. This left Jesse and Shannaye alone in silence, unable to think of anything but a Diglett in his ass and a Pidgey in her uterus.

Oh my god, I kind of wish I was dead right now, Shannaye thought.

Wait a second, I just had a big brown cylindrical object in my bum. Oh my god. Does this mean that I’m gay? Jesus Christ, I’m gay. This changes everything, my outlook on life, my relationships. Wait, what am I saying? I’m not gay. I’ve never been gay. I’ve always been straight. I’m totally straight. I’m so straight I could just make sweet love to that girl over there. Look at her, she’s bangin’. Well, maybe her hair is a bit long. And she could do with some solid pecs instead of boobs. She doesn’t have nearly enough facial hair either. Look at that neck, not an adam’s apple in sight. She’s kind of disgusting actually. Wait a second, did I describe a man just then? Oh my god! I am gay! I’m gay. I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay. This all makes sense now. IM GAY! Jesse thought on an entirely different note to Shannaye.

Jesse stood, bewildered yet somewhat liberated by his newfound discovery of his true sexual orientation. Meanwhile, Shannaye had grabbed a sharp stick from the ground and ran at Jesse with it. Jesse snapped into focus just as Shannaye was right near him. He lifted his arm to slap it out of her hand but he ended up having his palm in the air at the wrong time. With great force Shannaye pierced Jesse’s hand with the stick and plunged it deep into the trunk of a tree. Jesse was pinned to the tree by his hand. Pidgey noticed this attack from above and swooped down onto Shannaye, hitting her shoulder with its beak, knocking her over. Diglett noticed this attack from below and rose up under Jesse and hit his rove him upwards by his feet, pushing him upwards and ripping his hand in half due to the stick’s rigidity within the tree.

Jesse was too distracted by his mutilated hand to do anything involving killing Shannaye. Pidgey took it upon himself to attack Shannaye. It started flapping its wings about in her face. She flailed her arms about trying to get it away from her without any luck. Jesse was now enraged by the pain Shannaye had caused.

“Pidgey! Rip her fucking face off!” he yelled.

Pidgey grabbed the skin at Shannaye’s hairline with its sharp talons and proceeded in actually pulling the skin off her face. Shannaye, bleeding profusely, dropped to the ground unconscious in a matter of seconds. In a mere few minutes she was dead. In this time Jesse managed to take off her shirt and wrap it around his severely disfigured hand to prevent any further blood loss. He knew his hand wouldn’t be the same again but he did have a new goal: the faster everyone else died the faster he could seek proper medical attention for his hand.

Jesse was now out and looking to kill ASAP.

Battle Royale II - Chapter Five - “Apeshit Mode In Three, Two, One!”

Tim was quite possibly the unluckiest contestant in the Royale. After he read the note given to him he opened his pokeball to find that it was empty. The only contestant without a Pokemon (not including Ricky that is). Tim had woken up inside an abandoned gym. The equipment was old and rusty, the only useable items were the barbells and dumbbells. So instead of worrying about not being able to rely on a Pokemon he decided to rely on getting massive before a fight may happen. That said, Tim was already über buff and working out now was just getting him in the zone for any situation that could arise.

Suddenly, behind Tim’s back, a large boulder smashed through the window and rolled along on the ground, knocking a few bricks out of the wall that it hit. The boulder discombobulated Tim who did nothing but stare it it.

Boulders don’t usually smash through windows from nowhere, do they? he thought.

Ace walked though the door of the gym, revealing himself to Tim.

“Oh, were you working out here?” Ace asked. Tim looked back without giving a response, still confused. Ace walked over to a bench and grabbed a barbell.

“Could you spot me?” Ace asked Tim as he got into position for bench pressing.

“What are you doing?” asked Tim, breaking his silence.

“I’m trying to be a smartass before my Pokemon kills you and your Pokemon to be refectory honest,” Ace replied.

“Oh, I don’t have a Pokemon,” Tim admitted.

“You don’t? Well, this changes everything! Let me think,” Ace said.

“Think about what?”

“A way to make this a little more fair. Geodude, help me out here,” Ace said as the boulder revealed itself to be a Geodude. Tm stepped back, startled by the revelation.

“I know!” Ace exclaimed.

“What is it?” Tim asked nervously, wondering how he was probably going to die.

“How about you and my Geodude arm wrestle. If I win you just let Geodude smash your head or something. If you win then you can have what ever you want,” Ace proposed.

“If I win,” said Tim, “I get your Geodude and I get to kill you myself,”

“Deal,”

Tim and Geodude sat at either side of a table that was outside the gym, ready to arm wrestle. They put their arms into position as Ace watched from the side. Ace counted down from three and they started. Geodude instantly pushed Tim’s arm down, nearly touching the desk. Tim hadn’t lost yet. Ace lowered his head to see if any contact had been made and was shocked that there hadn’t been. Tim was determined not to die during his first encounter with someone else and he started to raise Geodude’s hand up from the table. After a struggle that lasted a few minutes the tables had turned. Geodude was mere millimetres from losing.

“Tim! Apeshit mode in three, two, one!” yelled a voice from the distance. Ace and Geodude looked to see someone watching from the distance. This person then ran away quickly alongside their Pokemon.

As was expected by Tim and Ace, apeshit mode is something that doesn’t exist hence it didn’t help Tim in the slightest. It was Geodude’s lapse in concentration due to the unknown voice that allowed Tim to finish the job.

“Yes! I won!” exclaimed Tim.

Ace, worried for his life, turned and ran away from the gym, down the street towards the other end of town.

“Geodude, I’m your master now. Bring him to me,” Tim said. Geodude hovered over at high speed to Ace and carried him back to Tim. Tim wondered for a second how he was going to deal with Ace. He wanted to be as torturous as possible. He then had a perfect idea.

He slammed Ace to the ground and stomped his shins, breaking them. He placed several very heavy barbells over them. Then over his stomach. Then over his arms which he also broke and finally placed a very heavy barbell over Ace’s neck. There was no way he was getting out of there alive. Tim rummaged through Ace’s bag and took his food and water.

“I read that note from Mr Hansard, Geodude. That’s why I don’t fully trust you enough to let you out of the pokeball all the time. Sorry about that,” Tim said to Geodude before returning him to the pokeball he took out of Ace’s pocket.

Tim locked up as he left the gym and wandered out into the street.

Battle Royale II - Chapter Four - “I Totally Joust All The Time”

Ponyta left a trail of flames as she ran across the meadow, lightly burning the top of the long grass. Jess was unbelievably happy that she got a Ponyta. So happy that she’d kind of forgotten about the Royale. She was content riding around on her new pet.

Unbeknownst to Jess, Tom Searle was lurking about nearby with his Ditto. He found two large branches lying on the ground, not so heavy that it was hard to carry but solid enough that it could injure someone, potentially even kill them. Tom had a splendiferous idea.

“Ditto, I need you to turn into one of those Pokemon like that one over there,” Tom said.

Just as it was ordered, Ditto turned into a Ponyta. Tom picked up the two branches, mounted his Ditto and rode towards Jess.

“Hello there!” yelled Tom.

Jess stopped and turned her Ponyta to face Tom. She saw that he also had a Ponyta, a pink one.

“Yes?” Jess asked.

“I was just wondering if you were up to the challenge,” Tom replied.

“What challenge?”

Tom raised one of the branches.

“I was thinking a joust,” Tom said, followed by a grin. Jess pondered this for a second. On one hand she’d never jousted before. On the other he probably hadn’t either. She also had to kill this guy anyway so she figured that she may as well accept.

“Okay then, give me the lance,” she said.

“I see you know your jousting terminology,”

“Yeah, I joust sometimes,” Jess lied.

“Yeah, me too,” Tom also lied, now regretting the jousting offer when he could have just ambushed her instead.

The two competitors sat upon their steeds, both worried because they thought the other was a professional jouster but both ready to give it their all.

“Uhh, do you know how to start a joust? I’m a little forgetful even thought I totally joust all the time,” Jess yelled out from roughly a hundred metres away. Tom interpreted this as a signal for starting and his Ditto advanced upon her at the speed of a Ponyta. Jess panicked and her Ponyta also sped at Tom at the speed of a Ponyta.

Both hurtling towards each other at great speed they lifted their lances, aiming for the other’s torso. Any moment now and they would smash into each other and the winner of the joust would be decided.

SMASH!

Tom’s lance made contact with Jess’s right bicep. Due to how massive it is, she was uninjured but she came of her Ponyta anyway. Tom kept riding forward before starting to slow down. Jess laid flat on her stomach as Tom slowly approached and his Ditto turned back into its natural for. Her Ponyta stood and watched her without instruction. Tom, assuming she was dead, decided to look through her bag for more food and water. He was a clever thinker. He stood over her body as it faced down into the grass and he opened her bag. Jess knew this was the perfect time to strike. With all her might she kicked her heel back and up into Tom’s groin, stunning him and causing him to fall onto her. She pushed him off.

“Ditto! Strangle her!” Tom managed to splutter out among the pain. Ditto jumped up at Jess’s head. She reached out and grabbed it, trying to hold it as far away from her body as she could.

“Ponyta! Set that guy on fire!” she commanded. Ponyta dipped her flaming head onto Tom, setting him on fire. He burned and he burned until he could burn no more. He was dead. Ditto, still trying to fulfil it’s dead masters wish got out of Jess’s grip and latched itself around her head, surrounded it like a big gooey piece of slime. All that Ponyta could hear were muffled sounds of Jess in desperate need of help. Ponyta couldn’t understand but took it upon herself to help Jess. She took a large bite out of Ditto. And another. And another. And a few more until Ditto had been completely consumed.

“Thanks Ponyta,” Jess said. Suddenly Ponyta became non responsive. Then went into a weird detail-less state of white.

“Huh? Ponyta’s evolving!” Jess exclaimed. Ponyta lost its shape then regained it then lost it then regained it then lost it and then regained it. This time it stayed. Ponyta had evolved into Rapidash.

“Me gusta,” Jess said as she excitedly jumped on her Rapidash in ecstasy. Jess and Rapidash rode around the meadow, doing large leaps and shooting fire balls for a little while longer.